10 Reasons I’m A Crap ‘Offbeat Parent’ And You Should Probably Kick Me Out Of Your Gang…

I’ve been working on this post for a little while.

Now it’s Saturday and familial visits are imminent, which leaves me bugger all time  between disguising my inadequacy as a homemaker to cobble something else together, so it’s finally going to get the chance to go live and destroy any credibility I previously held.

Whether you’ve raised your kid ‘by the book’ or taken a more by-the-seat-of-your-pants approach, we all feel the crushing weight of keeping up with the Joneses at one time or another.

I was put in this position recently and opted, rather than attempt to justify myself, for graciously rolling over and prepping them a nifty, pre-written list for the next time they attempt a public character defamation.

This is the result:

10 Reasons I’m A Crap ‘Offbeat Parent’ And You Should Probably Kick Me Out Of Your Gang…

  1. Despite having all the fashion sense of a four year old with a Visa, my pre-baby identity really wasn’t hella ‘alternative’ to begin with.
  2. I gave birth Queen Victoria style; in hospital, on my back, legs akimbo with a lot of bleeping machines and people in white coats. By choice. In fact the only reason I wasn’t so off my face on prescription meds that I would have barely remembered I owned a vagina let alone was about to squeeze a large watermelon through it was pure circumstance.
  3. I don’t know how to pronounce the word ‘doula’.
  4. I refuse to do yoga, pilates, tai chi…in fact anything that requires me to sweat in public, wear a pair of trousers that cost more than my entire underwear drawer or put conscious effort into breathing. I have enough to juggle in a day without becoming hyper aware of an unconscious bodily function.
  5. My position as an extremely vocal, big leftie feminist doesn’t make me avant guarde it just means I’m not a dickhead.
  6. Despite feeling very lucky my son likes vegetables and eats a vaguely balanced diet a good 50% of the time – the other 50% he is entirely sustained on Mini Cheddars, Petit Filous and bottles of sweet tea. I lose no sleep whatsoever over this. Furthermore if I could only eat one category of produce for the rest of my life it would be that well known food group ‘pig’.
  7. Frank continues to ardently not defy gender sterotypes and blossom into a stringent heterosexual. He’s basically a 2 (and a bit) ft. tall bloke who likes blondes, cars, trains and bashing things with other things. I secretly wish he was flamboyantly gay.
  8. As a family we watch a fairly middling amount of television – along with the children’s programmes on Milkshake, I’m of the opinion Pointless, Homes Under The Hammer and NCIS are all integral to a well rounded cultural capital.
  9. I’m a co-sleeper fo’ life kind of girl. I still enjoy a snuggle with my Moobli and shared a bed (on occasion) well into my teens. If the little guy still wants to bunk in with mum when he’s older I couldn’t give a flying fuck – he crawled out of my lady bits, sorry guys, but those ‘propriety’ boundaries were crossed ages ago.
  10. I have a horror of child rearing related jargon, including but not limited to, all variations of the phrase ‘offbeat parent’…

As a final aside before I’m condemned to baby laundry hell; if anybody reading this is struck with the overwhelming desire to add their own reasons to the list, come on in – the water’s lovely.

Ava

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6 thoughts on “10 Reasons I’m A Crap ‘Offbeat Parent’ And You Should Probably Kick Me Out Of Your Gang…

  1. Oh I’m with you all the way, just wish I could write it so well. I’d like to add to the list that my in-laws have just stayed for a week and NOT ONCE did I cook them anything to eat. Oh and that I only offer chicken nuggets, fishfingers or hotdogs to children coming on playdate – definitely not home made. Give them what they like, keep them happy, right?!

    • I’ve yet to experience the untold horrors of a playdate but Frank starts nursery soon, while I go back to study, and I’m 100% sure I’ll adopt your approach to feeding the little bastards. 😀

  2. Pingback: Things We Love: August | dorkymum

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